Chapter 6

The Weekend of ALL Weekends

 

Given we had all been incredibly well oiled from the free booze at The McLaren party, we had something of a lie in on Friday - 2:30pm was when I got up.  The only ones up and away were the poor Freak family who had all sorts of shit to attend to trying to put right the wrong that had befell them.

 

Some of us had lunch on a quiet wee side street and witnessed a couple of interesting things.  Firstly this old white Ford Escort double parked and the Peugeot on the inside wanting out.  After much horn tooting from the blocked car, the bloke gets out, rolls the window of the Escort down, releases the handbrake then pushes the Escort out of his way.  As he finished he kindly removed the rear wiper from said Escort - HA!  So they do have road rage in France.

 

Not long after this we hear something of a rumble coming up the street.  Nothing too exciting, just 5 Ferrari's nose to tail.  A 360, a 355, a 575, a 355 Spider and a 328 - just driving along - as you do.

 

Then Friday night we all meet up and discuss the previous night and the Freaks LOOOONG and arduous day.  The proper racing enthusiast among us (the blue car) were to be leaving the hotel at 0700 the following day to get to Monaco and get the prime seats on the balcony.  The lazy tossers would appear when they could be arsed - "Of course we'll hold seats for you while you doze in your beds - NOT!".

 

---

 

It's happening, I'm awake, I'm pumped (thanks for that IDC) and my mind is racing.  Elena, Charlie, IDC and I are all ready for the off and Pat joins us from the homo team.  He's seen the light having been in our car for a wee while - he's being converted back from the dark side.  We know where we are to go, the homework's been done and to the train station we go.  Major result, we just catch an early train and get to the balcony waaaay ahead of schedule.  Hearty self congratulations from the blue team who have now banished Toof and adopted Pat.  (Lazy fag)

 

We go to the balcony we think we're meant to be on, to be told it's the one opposite.  My heart sinks, I'm disappointed and I ask the Airtrack chic to sort it out.  As I do, IDC calls me over - this view is better!  And like - it IS!

 

Ste Devote, Beau Rivage, exit of tunnel, chicane and Tabac - oh, and a monster diamond screen as well as the TV's in the room.

 

We agree to stay put and promptly arrange seating for us with all the flags draped over our vantage point.  Thusly....

 

HA!

 

As I think I may have mentioned, these balconies are businesses - not residential and it appears our one is Festival Management - a cruise line.  We have 2 air conditioned offices to ourselves, our own loos and all the beer/wine/soft drinks we can shuffle down our necks.  Do me a favour, scroll back up and have another look at THAT view.  As we're real early, the breakfast's aren't quite ready so we just sit in awe.  Then we are served croissants, pain au chocolat and coffees all round.  Delicious!

 

As IDC's mate had expressed an interest, we ask the chic about a deal for tickets to the balcony.  She quotes us full price which IDC is not impressed with.  He suggests we try Greg (nice bloke) and we do.  He is to phone the UK and get us a deal.  After several reminders he eventually gives us a price.  A pretty good price at that, nearly £200.00 off.  Being that I am Scottish, this is not nearly enough and I give him some more grief - sure enough, I get £340 off.  Not a bad result.

 

Before qualifying, the Freaks and I decide to go for some shopping.  We have not nearly enough Prancing Horse merchandise and so need more - obviously.  We also need to paint the banner - somehow or another one of the team found the laundry room at the hotel Kent and procured (indefinitely borrowed) some linen.  We scoured around and eventually found a shop selling paint.  We then head up a wee back alley (it was pleasurable to be up a dark alley with Charlie) and we go to lay out the sheet.  As we do, a local resident comes out and I explain what we are doing.  He finds the whole thing rather interesting and watches us ponce about for nearly an hour.  Charlie did most of the handy work, and a fine job he did too.

 

Coool!

 

Now we're back and the whole team is there (out of their beds the lazy fags) and Bob's busy telling us how he left at such a perfect time.  Well, it was perfect for him because while he was snoring his arse off, we were there getting the balcony prime spot.

 

We settle down and by now the beer is a flowing.  Qualifying takes place and of course, some are happy some are not.  But Jeeesh, a Ralf pole?  That was unexpected.

 

Given we knew the name of DC's boat, and the captain had told us to "look him up" (he was pished when he made this offer, however, he himself is Scottish and should know better than to make another Jock such a tempting invitation)  I proclaim to the others that I'm about to try and get us on the yacht and I'll be back as soon as I can.  At this point Mr & Mrs Rotor, IDC and Ian join me.  "As soon as we get to where we need to be, I'll call ya and get you there."  What was about to take place is STILL bizarre as can be.

 

We get to a couple of checkpoints and are flatly refused as we don't have the correct passes.  We are however pointed to the general vicinity.  We get to this particular check point staffed by a delightful young lass.  I explain to her thusly -

 

"We have an invitation from the captain of Highlander to go on board for some gin and tonics, how do we get there?"

"You do not have a pass?"

"No, we had dinner with him last night and he has the passes on the boat, he has told me to reach him and he'll issue the passes"

"Ah, but I cannot really let you in without the pass - hang on"

She then goes and gets her superior and they converse in French

"You do not have the pass?"  says the bloke now

"No sorry, when we had dinner with Alister the other night he never had the passes on him"

"Do you have his number?"

"Yes, but I've left it in my hotel - we are just wanting to go for couple of drinks, you know how it is" <smile>

"Hmm"

"<silence - stare - smile>"

"OK, she will take you - you need to get a taxi".

"Thank you very much sir, you are very kind".

 

So that's it, now the delightful young lass is getting us through 1 checkpoint, then another then another - then a the last one, the security bloke doesn't want to let us through.  I have been chatting to the young lass about Monaco, studies, etc. etc. and so now she goes to bat for us and in a raised French voice gets us past the final checkpoint to the river taxi.  Sure enough, she phones for one and we are now in the harbour heading for DC's yacht.

 

Lovely.

That's our balcony behind us!

 

I've called Bob to explain what was happening and tell him as soon as I get the passes, one of us will return for them. I proclaim to the others on the boat, "I've got us this far, one of you can go back for the others."

 

We get off the boat and ask the bloke to show us where Highlander is.  Sure enough, a minute walk and we're there.  Right in the heart of the action.  As we get to the boat, I see Jerry up top and holler - then I see Alister and shout on him.  He comes over the gangway and says hello.

 

"How are ya?"

"Fuckin great, we've blagged our way in here too!"

"How dya manage it?"

"Dunno - must be the Scottish charm Alister - who have you got on board today then anyone interesting?"

"Loadsa Hugo Boss people, but David's on his way if you wanna hang about"

"Tell ya what, can we get on board for a nosey?"

"Not just now man, not with all these people on board.  You gonna be at the Columbus later?  We can have a beer there if you want to"

"Yeah, we might do - we'll see.  I've got 5 of the group wanting to join us, how do they get in?  Can you help me oot with like a pass or that?"

"Not just now Kenny no"

"Nae worries, you've been well cool thus far"

 

And then we discuss in general terms about everything - quite a while again!  The news that DC was on his way was pretty cool, so I position myself right on the gangway awaiting his arrival.  As we wait, literally 3 feet on the same bit of jetty walks by Luca Boadoer, Marc Gene and then this bloke got in the way of a good hooter shot.

 

Then the great man himself appears.  Unlike the others, he's all smiles and takes a good 10 minutes stopping to give autographs and have his picture taken - really really good bloke.

 

IDC & DC

Ah - so it was YOU in my party eh?

Yello!

 

A warm shake of the hand, and the convo as follows...

 

"Would you mind signing me hat David?"

"Aye, gotta pen?"

"Aye, here - we've made ya a banner at Ste Devote, hae a wee look up on the drivers parade yeah?"

"OK, will do - what diz it say?"

"HA! DC 4 DC in 03 and a reference to the mechanics party at yer hotel the ither night - like we somehow ended up there."

"Ah - cool" - then a broad smile.

"Have a great race tomorrow David - all the best man"

"Thanks - need to go, shit to do"

 

Then he goes onto his yacht and is soon back on the gangway for a photo shoot.  I am stood within 2 feet of all this right on the entrance to the yacht.  It was hilarious.  The photographer shouts to the model, "Make him look angry, I wanna see some anger"  At that I pipe up, "Tell him Schumacher's the best"  David laughs and then the model indeed says, "Schumacher's the best" David's reply - "Is he fuck!"  HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!         HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!  I swear, no embellishment whatsoever.  Now he's like posing away and the crowd is huge, he's all smiles saying, "Oh man, this is such a shitty job eh?  But I'm like working here" and his grin widens.  :-)

 

"Is he fuck!"

 

We hang around for some time afterwards, 2 boats down is Eddie Irvine (The Anaconda), next to that is Jenson's boat (Little Missie) and we generally soak up DC's presence.  There were enough of us there to validate how he's a top bloke - you don't have to take my biased word for it!!  We hung about for a while then made tracks trying to get back to the balcony.  Before we did, I asked to say cheerio to Alister who had been such a nice fella throughout.  Sure enough he comes off the boat and says cheerio.  "That's some result for ya then getting into the party and now into here"  - "Yeah, thanks again Alister, it's been absolutely incredible for us, you guys have made a fabulous trip even more incredible with your hospitality." "If you're ever in Spain, it's not so mental there I could maybe get you on board."  What a class bloke, he was unhappy that he wasn't in a position to let us on - superb.  Oh, I did ask DC as he was heading off - "David, any chance of a picture on board - that'd kick arse" His reply, "It's not my boat, I'm just chartering it - sorry mate".  The McLaren team are fuckin awesome.

 

Alister kicks arse.  Top bloke.

 

As we head back to the balcony, we get a wee bit lost and end up wandering past all the teams corporate suites. 

 

Knob never signed my hat - fag.

 

Da Matta

Paul Stoddart

 

Then we wandered past this restaurant area and just at the entrance, we bumped into this useless old has been.

 

Sign this you poof.

 

"How's Jenson Jack?"

"Dunno"

"Is he gonna race tomorrow?"

"Dunno"

 

Twat.

 

Now we're at Parc Ferme....

Pretty cool.

 

Then through the restaurant bit and we bump into Heinz.

 

Signature # 3 on me hat in the space of 15 minutes.  HA! Cool.

 

Then we try to get back to meet the others as we have a dinner appointment at 1900 in Monaco.  As we try to get over, we're stopped at several checkpoints, even though I fingered my nipple at one of the guards, he wasn't for letting us through for 15 minutes.  Shit.  We head through a wee tunnel and then another checkpoint.  Now we have a 5 minute wait. It comes across the PA that the circuit is now open, but the goof still never let us through - which was no bad thing as it turned out as we bumped into this bloke.

 

 

"How's Jenson Dave?"
"Yeah, he's OK thanks"

"Is he gonna race tomorrow?"

"Hmm, not looking good"

"OK, have a good race man"

"Thanks"

 

Now, you may be able to see this is the entrance to the pits that Dave is walking out of.  We wander over and mosey in - then loadsa screaming for us to get out.  BASTARD!  We walk along pit wall which is well cool and then we get to the McLaren wall.  Low and behold, here's Taff straight ahead.

"Howdy Taff" - extend hand

"Hi - how are ya?"

"Fuckin great, what the fuck happened to him today?"

"I know, I know, he fucked up - he had Kimi pegged all weekend and then made a mistake - still, he's in good shape"

"Sure man, listen, thanks again for the other night"

"Glad you enjoyed yourselves, it's nice for us to meet you guys as well you know"

"HA, you don't need to be polite to us cunts Taff - so what are you doing now then?"

"Ah, practice pit stop for tomorrow"

"Is that DC's spare car?"

"Yeah"

"Can I come in?"

"Fuck yeah, hop over"

 

No THIS is something else.

 

Taff - another one of lifes good guys.

 

I watch on in astonishment as they do stop after stop after stop.  I tell the others to come on over and soon there's a pretty big crowd - but I'm these thanks to the team.  How brilliant is that?  My heart is skipping, I'm grinning from ear to ear and I seriously cannot believe it.  I call Mrs Monaco and let her hear the wheel gins working, I call Bob to let him know we've been delayed.  I felt bad that the others weren't able to be there with us, but it was just the way the day panned out.

 

Ian on pole!  HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!

 

I walk up pit lane past all the garages and am in utter astonishment.  We get back to the others and head for the restaurant across from the balcony for supper.  Of course the others are disappointed at what we've achieved - who wouldn't be, but it just kinda all happened so fast.  One minute we were leaving the balcony, and the next we were blagging our way into the very heart of F1 with drivers, cars, teams, pit lanes and pit stops!  How utterly surreal!

 

We have supper - and I am starting to wind down after the most astonishing day.  There's so much more to tell and so much more we seen, but this is the real icing on the cake for the whole thing - in fact no - the real icing was at the McLaren party which was then the spring-board for all this.  We head back to Nice later on and I have to say, the memories of Saturday the 31st May 2003 will be with me now forever more.

 

What a DAY!